I’m finally 22!!

Well hello there. I hope you all had a nice weekend? I spent the last weekend of my holidays absolutely dying and am now back in work for my sins. Thank God I love my job. It wouldn’t be the same if I was returning to a job I didn’t like.
But yeah so the most exciting part of my two weeks off work had to be my birthday. I say my birthday but unfortunately I am now expected to share my birthday with my boyfriend as it is his birthday the day before.
As Danny was starting a new job we just took it nice and easy and chilled out. We went for dinner on the Saturday after taking it easy as that was the first day I was poorly. Then on MY birthday we went to my house for Sunday lunch. That was followed by bowling, air hockey and Guardians of the Galaxy. I finally got to see Groot and I am still as obsessed with him as I was before. I mean look at him!

Dinner on Danny’s birthday was so lovely. We got to go to my favourite restaurant and have my favourite foods. It’s in Dundrum Town Centre and is called Cortina’s. They do the best salsas I have ever had and their chips are so much nicer than your standard nacho.
We didn’t do a whole lot else for the rest of that day if I’m honest. I kind of ruined it all being sick. Before you all give out to me it wasn’t a silly cold or something, it was the blinding pain, bladder infection, cystitis type thing. UGH it doesn’t even bear remembering.
BTW Danny loved all his presents. As I got most of them (and gave him them) a few months ago he was very shocked to open something on his birthday. It would have been better if I’d not forgotten the one bit to make it work but I’m blaming the unhelpful shop assistant for that one.
To be honest. That’s all I have to say on my birthday. I was spoiled and got really nice presents but it was nice to have chilled out and not have so much planned that something could inevitably go wrong as is the case every other year.
Before I go I want to draw your attention to a post I shared on Facebook earlier, for a very worthy cause. 
I will see you all during the week with posts on studying for my QFA and dealing with Cystitis (it wasn’t fun).

****Hey Guys!

So one of the lads I work with is Trustee for an organisation which was set up to help a little girl who is fighting Neuroblastoma. Merryn was diagnosed as having Neuroblastoma in 2013. Neuroblastoma has a high rate of relapse with treatment options in Ireland being limited in the case of a relapse which is why her parents set up their appeal.

I adore Merryn, I think she is the cutest little fighter I have ever seen and if I even had half her strength and enthusiasm for life I’d be ten times the person I am now.

Which is why I am happy to share this auction with you all as I know you love good causes and the XFACTOR. Stephen (my work colleague) was hanging out with Louis Walsh when he was given a few things to auction off to raise funds for Merryn. The first of these to be auctioned off is tickets for the first live XFactor results show in London. These tickets cannot be bought and will give you the luxury of sitting in Louis’ allocated seats, watching the show. There is also a chance you may meet some of the stars of the show but unfortunately this cannot be guaranteed as it is of course live.

If you want to win this amazing prize click the link below and share this around. Also keep an eye out for further auctions!

http://www.ebay.ie/itm/Charity-Auction-VIP-Tickets-for-1st-X-Factor-Result-Show-Sunday-12th-October-/331314263145?ssPageName=ADME%3AL%3ALCA%3AIE%3A1123 ****

To read more about Merryn visit www.merrynlacy.com
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Things I can’t find the words to say…

**I realise that this is an ‘unscheduled’ blog post but when I set up this blog it was so that I could have a place to vent and that is what I need to do now. So you can feel free to skip this post as it would probably be of no interest to anyone. Normal posts will resume after my QFA exam.**
When my Nana died I knew it would hit me hard. If only I had realised how hard or that it would affect me more four years later than it did when it happened. Not that there would have been a lot I could do. It would still have happened.
I am never one to talk about my feelings or things that upset me. This blog was meant to help me do that yet in the excitement of becoming a ‘blogger’ I forgot that that’s what it was here for. To be honest when I went for counselling after my Nana died I barely even talked about my Nana, instead I blathered on about other crap. Perhaps I should have known then that problems would arise.
Now my Nana’s death affects me in a number of ways. Two main ways though.
The first is that I am missing things a lot more. Things I never thought I would miss. Like how my Nana made coddle or how good she could make soup from a packet. Things I will never again get to taste and it really makes me miss her and wish I had valued her more and bloody thought more of the things she did for me. You don’t realise until something is gone, how much you wish it was still here and how you should have made a better effort to indulge it whilst it existed.
While I can’t bring my Nana back I can do what I used to do, every so often, in her house and look through old photo albums which we thankfully have in our shed here in my house.
The other thing way I am affected is perhaps a much more detrimental one, and one I find it hard to describe. It is like I get into fits of rage over the littlest thing and I just SNAP. This might not be too bad but it’s always the most important person that this happens around. My boyfriend. Now he thinks it is a reflection on him but it isn’t. I have done this with anyone I have gotten close to over the past few years. Although with him it happens less often but it can be so severe. I go off on one and fight him until I walk out, dump him or say something so mean that I may as well have dumped him. Lately it hasn’t happened but when it does it is so bad. If I take a few minutes outside to breathe I normally calm down and come to my senses but normally this only happens when I storm out and the damage is already done. 
I adore Danny and this is not something I want to do to him. Yet it’s like I can’t control it, like I am possessed. And I am powerless to stop it. I recently did it again after it having not happened for a few weeks, I had earlier reflected on it and obviously jinxed myself, after the row I asked Danny why he thought it happened and he remarked that maybe good things scare me. I am beginning to see that he may be right, although perhaps it is more that I am afraid of going through another loss. 
I just wish I could fix it. He doesn’t deserve it and to be honest neither do I. There was a time when I thought maybe I was being manipulated into thinking I was in the wrong but I have realised I always am in the wrong. And I don’t deserve to go through a heartbreak I engineered. But how do I stop it when it is a force I am powerless toward…
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Now you know I get anxious…

Hey guys!
I had hoped to write this post before the weekend but I got sucked into mine and Danny’s birthday preparations a little earlier than planned. So I am now writing it from my sickbed. I have had a touch of Cystitis since Saturday and it still hasn’t budged. I finally gave in today and got some treatment for it from the chemist so hopefully it budges. I can’t let it ruin a second weekend in a row.

In my post on The Blog Awards Ireland launch party I mentioned my social anxiety. This is something I never spoke about before and didn’t even realise existed until very recently. It isn’t something you would think I suffer from as I can be very confident, however I would say it is something I have developed as I have gotten older.

I did ballet from a very young age which led to me performing in sold out shows in a number of theaters. This tied with school experience meant I had no problem getting up in front of people to talk. This is something which continued through university, I would never hesitate to be the designated speaker on projects, although I did find myself getting more and more nervous. 

Now though I find I get very anxious when I know I am going to be in a situation where I won’t know anyone. I get so nervous and sweaty and to be honest I feel physically ill. 

My boyfriend has a new job and there is an event on Saturday which I was invited to. I have an exam that morning so if I was to go to the event I would be a little bit late and that makes me feel so ill. Walking into a place where I know no one late and having them all watch me. To be honest in circumstances like this I feel I should start looking for excuses not to go. I have a work event at the same time after the exam which has a few thousand guests registered to attend yet this doesn’t even phase me. Amazing how these things affect us.

I realise this hasn’t really tackled my anxiety, more just reflected on it as this is a new concept to me and something I am still attempting to understand so I will probably come back to the topic again.

I’m not sure if I will get another post up before the weekend as I am studying hard for the QFA so if I don’t get a moment I will have a post on my birthday up early next week.

I hope you are all loving being back in school or else excitedly looking forward to starting university. It is a great experience so make the most of it. 

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