You read it here first. I really think I am over the whole thing of online dating.
The more time I spend on this sites and thinking about the whole thing, the less I want to do it. Yet I can’t tear myself away for fear I miss out. I am just so over forcing conversations and engaging with people who you are dragging a conversation from and let’s be fair, wouldn’t even talk to on a normal day. I don’t know what it is that pushes me so hard to try find someone. There are moments when I am perfectly happy by myself, enjoying my own company. And then come the times when it hits me that I am a very much alone and would like someone. But what is it that brings on these moments which make me want for more and desperate to find it. Because I am pretty happy to like people organically. To meet someone and get to know them and then suddenly, one day, realising you have a massive crush on them. I am okay with this. And it has happened to me very recently. I think this was what inspired my most recent bout of feeling alone. Knowing that something won’t happen there. But this time I still couldn’t bear to be on Tinder or POF. Because the conversation just doesn’t do it. The dimness and lack of intellect (or basic grammar) just don’t get me going. I am not excited to get to know any of these people and I would much rather be playing games on my phone that interact with them.
I am not saying I will delete this apps. You can be sure I will definitely be still using them. But almost half heartedly now. Just in case.
I actually wrote the title to this post on Valentine’s Day. I have struggled to find the words to say what I want to say without coming across the wrong way. I will probably still come across the wrong way. But I feel like now I have to say what I want to say. Especially after a guy sent me a message saying “Fine fuck off you ignorant bitch”. I had no other messages from this chap but I assume I had just deleted them because I had no interest in replying to this guy. I used to reply to guys I wasn’t interested in, to decline politely. But that got me so much abuse and harassment that I swiftly stopped.
It is people like that who confirm to me that my being picky and selective in choosing who I talk to online is the right thing for me. And that waiting to really like someone before I will meet them is definitely how I want to proceed moving on. Especially with seeing how quickly men change when you don’t instantly give into them. There are so many men online who seem to think they are entitled to have women reply. There are various reasons I wont reply to a man; I don’t fancy them, their profile doesn’t entice me, I don’t think we have much in common, bad spelling. But it is amazing how these thoughts never enter these guy’s heads and instead they just send you abuse berating you for not replying… after having already ignored 4 previous messages.
I am straying from the topic now. Basically I have decided what I want romantically. Now that I have decided it is easier for me to pick and choose people I could see something happening with. At the same time I am in no rush to go off with just any body. I am lonely. I do wish I had someone. But that does not mean I will run off with anyone. I know the aspects of past relationships that I did not like. And they are things I am looking to avoid this time around. There are certain aspects that I do want. For example in the past I have always been the one making plans or romantic gestures. This time I want to be with someone who does that without prompting. I no longer want to be the one holding up a relationship or fueling it’s fire.
Also for too long I chose guys who were mildly into me. From now on I am only willing to invest time in people who invest time in me. Who think I am worthwhile and are dying to be with me and show me off. Someone who shows their work friends a photo of me when we start chatting, the way I would show a photo to the girls in work. Someone who thinks the sun shines out of my arse basically. I have found that that is very hard to find. Even recently I went on a number of dates with someone in a short period of time then boom. Over, they didn’t get what they want and decided to just end things with a lame, made up excuse. I don’t want that. I want someone who is prepared to go at my speed, consider my likes, dislikes and interests, who will work on things and most importantly make me feel like I matter.
I may be asking a lot. But I am prepared to wait until I find it.
You know what. I love writing posts like this. The gossipy ones, where there might be a funny story or two to go with it. But this time around I just… I didn’t want to… because I have nothing to say. I should have written about my learning to drive or something but I didn’t. I do have things to say about online dating… but nothing that is of a gossipy nature.
Online dating has been very disappointing this time around. I won’t say it’s not entirely my fault, I am very awkward and bad at talking to men. That, paired with my lack of knowing what I want, means that I freak out or just ghost myself away. This is when I find someone I might potentially have an interest in. It’s rare that happens lately. I struggle to even find anyone I might have a potential interest in. Yes, I am being extremely picky, but don’t I deserve to be? I am not even sure if I want to be involved with someone, so why would I waste that on someone I am only half into?
The calibre of men is just so depressing though. The ones who attempt to have actual conversations are just not people I find myself attracted to. Then anyone I do find cute or handsome is just so droll and boring. Or of course not interested. I need to find that magic trick where I am really fun and charming and people want me. Maybe my online persona is not as charming as in reality. I do know for a fact though that real life Lynn Jo is so awkward it just won’t work that way either.
What has amazed me is how men feel it is okay to speak to women, as I have highlighted in screen grabs on my instagram. Way too often I find myself sitting there wondering how someone thinks that this is okay to say to a woman. And this is never comments made mid conversation. It is the opening message. Recently someone opened up with a comment that I didn’t look like I was very submissive. I actually turned around to that person to point out I had never mentioned being submissive anywhere on my profile so I wasn’t sure why he was even bringing it up.
Long story short. No dates as yet. Not even a hint of butterflies. Maybe I will fight it out a while longer.
Dear Diary, I mean blog. Yes you have been neglected for a while but for good reason. I was going through a tough time and I needed to spend some time with myself and just be Lynn Jo. I promised I would no longer write for the sake of it and that when I did write it would be because I had something to say or because I was inspired.
Today is that day!!
Below is an something I posted to Instagram not too long ago.
A photo posted by Lynn Jo Chaney (@lynnjochaney) on
And it was just something that irked me. To be honest it is something that has bothered me for a number of years, through my experiences with Tinder or dating apps, but today it just came to a head. Who in their right mind opens up someone’s profile and thinks to themselves, “Oh I will ask this girl I have never spoken to if she likes kinky sex”? Like seriously? Why would that thought occur to everyone. Now don’t get me wrong. I know some people are on these sites purely for that. And I don’t condemn that at all. People are fully entitled to be into and look for that. But I find something very off about it being your opening line. Especially when my profile in no way suggests I am looking for No Strings Attached Fun, let alone kinky sex from the get go.
Can I just specify that whilst I am not too sure what I am looking for romantically at the moment I did make an effort with my profile, so that it would attract the right sort of people ie people with similar interests to myself.
But I just really can’t comprehend why that person felt that was an okay message to send. Maybe I will ask him…
I would love to know your opinions on this. Do you think a message like that is okay to send a stranger? Or is it completely crossing a line?